i am really discouraged. i am not seeing a point to life
right now. It really seems just boring. there's not need
for me to hold this in because i don't need to look strong
for anyone. If i think of myself less like true humility
desires, who thinks of me? Well God thinks of me. i know
emotions shouldn't come into play with reality or maybe it
should because i am an emotional being, but i really don't
feel good. Is this what humility feels like? Is my desire
to be thought of because i have thought of myself my whole
life until now? I know being happy is not what life is about
at all but will i be happy again? i wanted to learn humility
this summer so that God would use me more. i haven't been used
yet. I am not sure how long i have to wait on God but it sure
seems like he is taking his time! What is the meaning of humility?
Does humility take place so that i would become an instrument
to be used by God and this is my sole purpose for life? Although
i would love to see a product of my labor i know that it is not
about the product but why i labor and who i labor for. Then this
leads me to thinking about why i need to labor when Christ labored
for me. Sure it was for something different something that i could
never do but i take that meaning of freedom farther than just my sins.
i did not become a christian for Christ dying for my sins, i became
a Christian because God cared about my soul. He saw how destroyed my
soul was by a girl because i was giving my life for her and she gave
me nothing in return. God was there and when i heard him care
for me i wanted to learn more about him. Now as i advance to
"advanced doctrines" it makes me not want to be a christian
at all. Legalism is all over the church which tells me to be
legalistic like everyone else. i cannot feel anymore. i became
a christian because i could feel again. i felt like i was
existing to live again, no longer living to exist. Now sadly
i don't feel that way anymore. All i am told to do while being
a christian is how to act, act! Why should i have to act a
certain way so that someone would know Christ. NEver in my
life has anyone every come to know Christ by how i presented
myself as a Christian actor doing good works and not evil.
i hope i am not alone and that others who are the christians
i hope to be would exhort me in any way instead of just telling
me that everything is going to be OK because jesus died for my
sins. I know that, i am holy and blameless before God but i
don't feel free, like i was when i became a christian_ existing
to live.
everything is going to be OK because jesus died for your sins.........haha jk. man all i can say is im not sure i believe in freedom, from slaves to sin to slaves to righteousness, we're free from sin to slaves again. i think freedom is within the slavery of righteousness. i definitly think emotions are vital. David and the other Psalmists cried, yelled to God and it was pure emotion, i say u use that emotion to tell God to do something, to move. i know i have felt so complacent, so pointless, and i have had to emotionally declare to God to do something, to shake up my life, or to at least show me him so i can see my goal, because the cross shud be enought to motivate me to the end, but im human and it doesnt always sustain me, i need to see him again to remind me of what exactly i am doing in this so called life. so i guess jus ask God u need to see him or ask him for whatever it is u need to remember, i know he's never not showed up for me. i hope u find the inspiration or motivation u need. maybe knowing ur not alone will help. whatever it is, i will pray for u bruh.
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