what

what is it?
what amazes me about God right now is that
he is selfless. he has been working on my heart and posture this summer on
being selfless like him, but i do not even compare. love is not self-seeking,
so he has never sought after for his own benefit but always for ours. The word
selfless does not come into play solely by giving gifts (like i do through compassion.org) but in everything. From gifts to thoughts to actions to energy
to effort to absolutely everything. When i continually realize just how much we are in comparison to God, how small we are, how unholy we are, etc.(without Jesus) and
how he does things that we take for granted like let us worship him, let us talk
with him, let us speak his name, it humbles me.

i have been a christian for almost 4 years now and i am just beginning to put pieces
together about the Bible, its so intense! But just knowing about the trinity, the atonement, the power of Jesus' name, the resurrection of Christ, etc. is powerful stuff. i really really really really really really want to preach powerfully(like Samuel the prophet whose words never fell to the floor). i really really want people to understand the glimpse of God the way i have. i really want them to grow grow grow with him. pray that God uses me.

a prayer

i was praying today for an event we are doing with the church here in Idaho. i felt impressed to pray the lord's prayer. and i was thinking about why Jesus would have said to pray like this. Something i want to explain is how we, if we truly believed in what we say we do, would carry out exactly that. i don't believe(yet) that there is any hindrance for us not(that could overcome our ability to.) in knowing this, or believing it, i think Jesus would have said this for more than one reason which God showed me today. That reason being: Jesus was to provoke people to carry out the Lord's prayer. Because if we were simply going to recite something he might as well just have said "stairway to heaven" is the Lord's prayer. But i think that Jesus would have wanted us to pray with our hearts fully into what we were saying. Therefore if we believed what were saying: hallowed be your name(may your name be kept holy), as we forgive those who trespass against us(forgive everyone), we would not just say it but act upon it. We would keep the Lord's name holy, we would forgive, we would rely on God for our daily needs.

Drive

What drives you the most? i really want to know and i want everyone to comment on this telling me what drives them the most or!!! write it on your page and then comment the link to it on mine! thanks.
What drives me the most? Seeing people worship God. Truly worship God, when they know God is right in front of them, i cry. Sometimes i worship by watching other people worship God. To me, watching other people worship God is an act of worship because it increases my faith in God and his promises.
Amen.

:(

i am really discouraged. i am not seeing a point to life
right now. It really seems just boring. there's not need
for me to hold this in because i don't need to look strong
for anyone. If i think of myself less like true humility
desires, who thinks of me? Well God thinks of me. i know
emotions shouldn't come into play with reality or maybe it
should because i am an emotional being, but i really don't
feel good. Is this what humility feels like? Is my desire
to be thought of because i have thought of myself my whole
life until now? I know being happy is not what life is about
at all but will i be happy again? i wanted to learn humility
this summer so that God would use me more. i haven't been used
yet. I am not sure how long i have to wait on God but it sure
seems like he is taking his time! What is the meaning of humility?
Does humility take place so that i would become an instrument
to be used by God and this is my sole purpose for life? Although
i would love to see a product of my labor i know that it is not
about the product but why i labor and who i labor for. Then this
leads me to thinking about why i need to labor when Christ labored
for me. Sure it was for something different something that i could
never do but i take that meaning of freedom farther than just my sins.
i did not become a christian for Christ dying for my sins, i became
a Christian because God cared about my soul. He saw how destroyed my
soul was by a girl because i was giving my life for her and she gave
me nothing in return. God was there and when i heard him care
for me i wanted to learn more about him. Now as i advance to
"advanced doctrines" it makes me not want to be a christian
at all. Legalism is all over the church which tells me to be
legalistic like everyone else. i cannot feel anymore. i became
a christian because i could feel again. i felt like i was
existing to live again, no longer living to exist. Now sadly
i don't feel that way anymore. All i am told to do while being
a christian is how to act, act! Why should i have to act a
certain way so that someone would know Christ. NEver in my
life has anyone every come to know Christ by how i presented
myself as a Christian actor doing good works and not evil.
i hope i am not alone and that others who are the christians
i hope to be would exhort me in any way instead of just telling
me that everything is going to be OK because jesus died for my
sins. I know that, i am holy and blameless before God but i
don't feel free, like i was when i became a christian_ existing
to live.

love pt. 2

i am in love.
i love seeing love.
love loves loving me.
God is love.
Ben and Mariana love each other,
Joey and Hanna love each other,
Luke and Kaity love each other,
Scott and Laurie love each other,
i love Callie and she loves me.
i love everyone i have ever met
which is weird. lol. love is pretty
weird though too. True love is
actually really intense, i didn't
think it would be. i can't grasp it
at all, like the trinity oh my gosh!
chocolate is really good but it does
not love me and i cannot love it.
only people can love people, God made
it that way.

disciple...maybe heresy :o

Luke 14:26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.

Mt 16:24 Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."

I have been thinking about this verses since yesterday.
They have actually been in my head put together as one.

Saying " if anyone does not deny his own father and mother and wife and chldren and brothers and sisters, yes even his own life, he cannot be my disciple."

Hopefully i am not preaching heresy here...lol
Basically, culturally to deny your mother and father (family), was to deny your self worth. Being that culturally, honor was everything. Therefore denying yourself with in denying your family name, which was your main source of honor, meant a whole lot more than if we were to deny our family today.

Equivalently i think to be a disciple of Jesus one would need to deny their own self worth. Finding one's self worth is where the spend the most time...it can be in your relationships, your possessions you have accumulated, your talent(s), your knowledge, anything that you would call your own and not belonging to anyone else.

To be a disciple of Jesus is therefore to strip oneself of their (honor)Culturally meaning self-worth; replacing that with the label of bondservant. Being a servant of Christ is a disciple, carrying your cross is a disciple, loving others and God is a disciple, having self-worth in things other than your servant hood for Christ is i believe denying Christ himself as your rabbi, savior, or God.

hope

What happens when you hurt someone you love everyday, everyday not because you want to but because you have to. Everyday isn't guided by will or choice but by fate,a fate you never agreed upon. One moment leads to the next and you can never go back, ever. There is no more feeling, no pain, no joy, no
love,you go numb. Each day seems promising as a "new day", but it
never Satisfies. Hungrier and hungrier, weaker and weaker,
Deprived and stricken, you go on because life must Go on.
There is no rest for your soul, there is no Comfort for your
mind, your heart beats to a Dull, quiet rhythm.
Everyone thinks you Have it all figured out,
you don’t.You wonder, Where is the
Hope that other's have Found?
Why can’t I Be
like others,
With
Joy?
You get up everyday,
Finding only that you relentless
Strength. Your wounds heal themselves,
But you cannot see them. Your mind is being
Renewed, not discomforted. Your stomach is satisfied,
Not hungry. Your heart is calming, It is changing not dying.
The absence of feeling, is the change of how you feel. Your receptors
Are being replaced, with the best. You are not changing, You are being changed. During this seemingly relentless process, what keeps you alive during it all is hope. Hope Is instilled in your every fiber to ensure your trust through the process. You are a new creation, Being hand crafted by the true creator of the universe, Your heavenly, almighty, loving, Father in heaven.

pokemon

i cannot believe i was up till 330 playing pokemon last night!
my roomate played wow all semester and i wasn't happy
about it, now im playing pokemon all day! such a silly

love pt. 1

the love given to me is almost always unexpected, i have not been able to search for love and find it in one place like a search for lost treasure but when i least expect it. there are times when i have no hope in what is before me but i am revived by some random piece of love. it has seemed random for my whole life but im wondering if it is or not. it is such a wonderful feeling to imagine God smiling down at me when i smile back at Him after his blessing. it is worth every hard time to press through the what i call (jello).

trapped

i feel trapped. i cannot think freely as i used to.

far away

sometimes it seems like i am far away from God. i am not, i am seated in the heavenly places at his right hand. Ephesians 2:6. this is hard for me to realize but when i do i find absolute rest and peace and joy and purpose. it might be my want to get closer to God and that desire puts me in a place to where i can grow and in that grow closer. that does not numb the pain of loneliness though.

simple love

being close to God is something i want to always long for. i am so glad that this is where i am at right now. i know i am not right next to him, but spiritually i am because of Ephesians explains this, but i know that God loves the fact that i am going to strive after him with all my heart, mind, soul and strength. God is my father and i am so glad that he always brings me to a place of where i need to be

Pharisees wanted to be part of akribeia, a scrupulous exactness in their observance of God’s laws. Therefore Pharisees defined the law because they wanted to be in tune with the exactness of it. I think having that kind of heart is definitely what one should strive for. But remembering that the Pharisees were often the opponents of Jesus in the gospels because of their lack of compassion (Matthew 9:13). I think that we often are burdened with trying to find a formula for many things, for example lifestyles. The evidence of a Christian lifestyle is fruits or “works”. To come up with a formula for producing “Fruit” in one’s own life is in my opinion Pharisaical. The Pharisees sought to be exact in observing God’s laws and in doing so they added to the law. Example of this is expanding on the law in Exodus 19 of keeping the Sabbath was that one could not spit on the Sabbath because they were watering the crops. They had hundreds of laws added to the actual law to produce what they thought was exactness of it. I think that by trying to produce what is right and wrong in many situations can become Pharisaical if we are not careful. Jesus’ teaching is very clear, love the LORD your God with all your heart, mind, soul, strength and love your neighbor as yourself. To know how to do that is not by adding to the law, but living it with a pure heart. Remember John 3:17 “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.”

connecting

the ability to connect with people seems to be something more than i thought.
i have a lot of friends from different backgrounds that i can connect with, some
easier than others. i just realized i don't have to write in complete sentences,
i can come to a level where i can connect with different people but the fact is
i don't want to be there very long, i don't think that it's not safe or not comfortable
to me more or less just that i hate it. I have strove to be at the level where i am at.
different times of the day i am able to connect with others not on my level more easily
but to be fulfilled i need to be at my level. I would love for others to be at my level as
well, see my views, perceive my thoughts, and have people to enjoy life from my point
of view with but it's hard to come by most hours of the day.